It is only very recently that I have taken up blogging. For me, it is a prescribed intervention, which I am more than willing to explore. Let’s face it, the Fluoxetine was just not hitting the spot.
I have already posted, in a very vague manner, as to how I came to be in my current situation. I am not being at all coy with the details. It is actually that I do not fully understand how I arrived here…
I think the preferred terminology was that I had an ‘episode’ or an ‘awakening’.
When I finally let myself recognise there was a problem, I gladly took the prescription for Fluoxetine and found a fantastic Counsellor.
Up until that point, I was a total sceptic about illnesses of the mind. Of course, although I am a convert now, I wish I had read a book about it instead!
Unfortunately for me, the medication can have some rather unusual side effects. I wasn’t too bothered by the GI problems. For me it was the rapid onset Lethargy, Mood Swings and Turbo Charged Libido. I could have given Charlie Sheen a run for his money!
It’s hard (excuse the pun) to satisfy those urges though. I was (I suppose I still am, legally) married. I was not about to break my vows, for any reason.
Marriage
Our marriage certainly was a continuous test. Its cost, on us both, has been considerable.
Still I was not prepared to admit defeat, even though we knew there was no way back.
I have always been a little flirtatious. OK, I’ll admit that I am more than a little flirtatious.
I loved being the centre of attention. Entertaining all around me, all of the time.
I would get phone numbers galore from both sexes, along with some quite extraordinary offers.
A lot of people are drawn to confidence. That is greatly enhanced by a little hint of mystery.
The thing is I developed that persona a long time ago, as a defence mechanism. I have been hiding the real me for so long, that I ended up forgetting who I was.
The habit of remoulding myself for every person I met, so as to build a rapport as quickly as possible, dictated my move into Sales after University.
A successful career ensued. Obviously I still protected myself by making sure the firms I worked for were not too large. Still the remuneration was more than handsome. The bonuses I earned were nothing less than ludicrous.
I was spending more and more time away from home. I had to be the one to win the business, the one rushing around the country, regular tours through Europe.
I loved the self-induced sense of power….he’s done it again, he’s the one that has won the new contract. If there was ever a problem I was in my element, finding the solution, not only safeguarding the business but walking away with more.
Meanwhile at home I thought all was good. Married at a relatively young age to a girl I had known since I was a toddler. My wife, Laura, pushed me to be all that I could be.
We talked 4 or 5 times a day on the phone when I was away. When I was at home, we were inseparable. Laura would invite people over all the time, proud of her successful husband. Wanting to exhibit her wonderful life, her brand new house in the best part of town and all the trappings of wealth, accrued at such an early age.
We were also trying to start a family of our own, with little success. I thought it was because I was away so much and we hadn’t been able to practice enough.
As it turned out, her fears about fertility problems came true. I felt so awful for her. I made sure we got the best medical assistance available. In hindsight I took over a little, trying to solve the problem as I would any other.
What is the problem? What options are available? Who do we need to consult with? How do we get to the top of the list?
I noticed slight changes in her personality a few weeks after she started taking the medication which would improve her ovulations.
As per usual, I buried my head in the sand. I worked harder and bought her expensive gifts whenever I got home.
Laura stopped phoning me quite so often. I didn’t mind, I knew she was going through emotional turmoil with the hormonal medication.
My best friend Mark was about to get married and Laura was able to immerse herself in the happy couples preparations.
Time went on. I noticed we were never alone together. She would make sure people were always there.
We saw less and less of my family. If I did get the chance to visit, I would get a phone call asking if I was on my way home.
We bought an older property, something we could work on together. A project to focus on. Perhaps then we would fall pregnant, if there was less pressure. Since my Mark and Nicky’s wedding, she hadn’t had an awful lot to focus on.
I knew something had to be done so I rented a cottage, in the middle of nowhere, for a short break.
I flew in from the continent late that night, driving non-stop to get home where my Laura would be waiting with a packed car ready to go.
As I pulled up the drive, I saw Mark’s car. “Oh honey, I decided to invite Mark and Nicky too. It seems daft having that huge place to ourselves and you know we’d love the company. Mark and Nicky could do with a break too. They haven’t had one since the honeymoon!”
I wanted to say that they had been home from their month long honeymoon for all of 2 minutes, but I found myself agreeing that it was a great idea.
Mark and Nicky were obviously having problems. Here we all were in great surroundings, none of us talking to each other.
I thought it was because things were difficult between Laura and I and that was having an effect on the whole party. I took Mark off for a long walk.
He said he was beginning to have second thoughts about his marriage. He thought Nicky wasn’t really interested in being his wife. He thought she had just wanted the ceremony and her day as the bride.
It felt so good to talk to someone. I spilled out all my concerns about my marriage. God, it was such a relief. I just wished I could do something to help Mark and Nicky.
A couple of months later, five months after Mark and Nicky had married, we were sitting down to a meal at Laura’s parent’s house. There was a knock at the door. Laura went to answer it. In walked Mark. His eyes were red from crying, I had never seen such a pitiful example of a broken man.
Nicky had left him, a whole 5 months after the wedding. I was mortified for him. How could she do this to my best friend?
Mark then became part of my extended family. If we went out, he came. We went on holiday and he came. A meal with her family, he came.
I would have done anything to help him. I sorted out his legal affairs and made sure he felt included in everything we did. Most of all I felt guilty because I enjoyed having him around to talk too.
Then I was involved in an accident on the motorway. A vehicle had a blowout as I passed it, smashing me off the road and into the Armco barriers at 70mph. If it were not for German Engineering…..
I have typed so much already!?! Perhaps it is time for a break?
To Be Continued
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