This morning I dressed myself in a nice pinstripe suit. I selected a nice pair of cuff links and made sure I could see my reflection in my shoes. My tie sported a perfect Windsor knot and I felt good.
(I should point out that I was non-clinical today, before anyone with a knowledge of Infection Prevention & Control points out the obvious issues with me wearing a tie and cufflinks.)
I spent the day making sure that my superiors were impressed with my performance. My goal was to impress and I really believed I achieved that.
I am now laying in bed, with a content pussy cat, wondering why I put so much effort into impressing people today.
It feels good to dress well. In my previous career, appearance was extremely important. I still enjoy dressing to the nines, it makes a difference from the anonymity of scrubs. But this is not the reason.
My son is away with his mother, enjoying his exciting holiday too much to be disturbed by his old Dad's nightly phonecall. I don't blame him. He's having fun and doesn't want to be reminded of 'normal' life by spending more than 30 seconds on the phone to me.
That's right, I'm a little down. I think my day of good impression making was actually a concerted effort to incite compliments. Sad huh?
It gets worse though......
I was stood in the queue at the petrol station this evening getting slightly annoyed with the most mundane matters. The great big LCD tv screen displaying a meter which was showing that the solar panels on the filling station roof were producing zero energy! Really!?!?! Solar panels not producing any energy in the pitch black of a dark winter's night! Somehow I'm not sure that the energy wasted in displaying that tit-bit was really in keeping with the environmentally friendly ethos!
Also I am sure the convenience of an over priced supermarket within the petrol station is useful to some, however all I wanted to do was pay for my fuel. Instead I had to wait whilst some Muppet with more money than sense unloads his weekly shopping at the checkout.
Why can you now choose from a selection of cheeses or wines at the filling station? Engine oil, headlamp bulbs, even the humble car freshener no longer have a place in the forecourt shop! Don't worry though, you can buy enough booze to sink a destroyer and enough deli foods to satisfy a county of W.I groups!
Not only feeling sorry for myself but also frustrated. Never a good start to the night. Then I got a call.
An old school friend was on the line "I just thought you should know, Dad passed away this morning........"
I haven't really seen my old school friend for over 15 years. Her father however has, unfortunately, been a regular visitor to my place of work in the last 3 year's.
The Cancer was not overly aggressive, however we all knew the bouts of chemotherapy were only buying some precious time.
Regular courses of strong antibiotics, combined with a severely compromised immune system, had resulted in some unpleasant hospital admissions with gastro complaints recently.
During the past 3 years a friendship had developed. (My superiors would not be impressed with that).
My cannulation skills were often requested during his stays. I enjoyed visiting with him at the end of my shift, chatting for hours.
We talked about the joys and importance of Fatherhood. We discussed sports and sportsmanship.
In the absence of a relationship with my own father, during difficult times, he listened and gave great advice.
I shall miss our conversations. I shall miss him.
As I paid for my fuel and walked back to the car I was in a bit of a daze. It had suddenly struck me that I had messed up today.
What a waste, spending a whole day trying to impress the wrong people!
The people I should have focussed my efforts on were all lying in hospital beds, not the ones trying to manage the hospital bed status.
If I am remembered by anyone when my time comes, let it be those that I cared for when they needed my help most. Let me be remembered for making life a little better for my patients.
No one remembers a nice pair off cufflinks. I will always remember my chats with an old school friend's Dad.
Rest well Mr. D
